It was a sunny Sunday morning. Although it was already winter and the air was cold, the bright sunshine and pleasant scenery made me feel neither cold nor lonely. After getting off the car, I walked towards my predetermined destination. I knew deep down that this would be another dangerous morning.
The previous night, on Saturday, I had been hesitating: should I go or not? If this had been in the past, I might have defaulted to staying away. But this time was different. Although the essence remained the same, the frequency of my visits had indeed decreased. I did enjoy gaming; it had been my top priority. For this reason, my mother sent me to Shenzhen, asking my aunt to "toughen me up." Ha, how ridiculous! Ha, how absurd! Since returning, I have rarely gone to the internet cafe again—mostly to save face for them.
Their clichéd lectures sounded like nonsense to me. If I wanted to go, I would go, and no one could stop me! However, after such a long absence, I had somehow gotten used to staying away. On the way there, I was still conflicted, my mind in chaos. In the end, I cast aside my rationality and took steps toward my goal. Upon reaching the entrance, I told myself: just this once, just this once.
Alright, just this once. I stepped in decisively, throwing all my worries behind me. But having not done this kind of "conscience-violating" act for a long time, I still felt a sense of unease. I sat by the computer like a thief, guilty and anxious. I touched the mouse as I had wished, yet I stared at the screen with a sense of loss. The scenes that once thrilled me now appeared embarrassing for the first time!
It was then that I realized my heart was racing. I was afraid and felt no joy at all. I gripped the mouse with my ugly, trembling hands—it was my only solace at that moment. I sat down steadily and began to suffer.
The phone in my pocket vibrated. I knew I had been discovered. Although I had mentally prepared for this, the feeling was the same as always—tense and stimulating when caught, but this time accompanied by a sense of wanting to die for my sins. Even now, I cannot understand how a repeat offender like me could still feel such remorse. Had my conscience awakened? I walked back, letting the wind mixed with sunlight slap my face. I could not feel the warmth of the light at all; instead, I grew colder and colder, my bones seeming to freeze. In short, that walk back was extremely arduous. I thought, if time could turn back, I would never go again. But there is no pill for regret in this world.
